Miley Cyrus Advice, Comments and Jokes - SAAAY WHAT?

Dear Miley:

What a remarkable life you’re living! You’ve been a TV star and movie star. You’ve co-written a book and are having outstanding success with a singing/song-writing career, pumping out hit and after hit and album after album. Hey, are you the second-coming of Madonna, or is she the forerunner of you? At any rate, I think your country contralto is better than Madonna's bleating voice, and her chaste libertine routine is so 17 year old!

Perhaps your greatest achievement to date was starring on the Disney Channel’s Hannah Montana. This program showed cute, teenage humor at its best. I just wish you hadn't used so many bodily function jokes - I get enough of that on South Park and other TV shows. Anyway, you and your sidekick, Lilly, played by Emily Osment, remind me of Lucy and Ethel, and that’s a compliment, because I Love Lucy (a.k.a. Sitcom 101) is still one of the funniest shows on TV. Moreover, you seem to have Lucille Ball’s talent for making funny facial expressions. Stick with comedy, but try some serious material too. The Last Song is a tear-jerking drama. Good choice. One critic called the movie “smiley-weepy.” Was he trying to be a wise guy?

Yes, Miley Ray Cyrus, you seem to have the wildcat by the tail, swinging that kitty in a circle and laughing as you do so.

But beware, for there are potential dangers ahead. I know. You see, in relation to you, I know what I’m talking about, because my father was born on a farm near Loretto, Tennessee. (He even picked cotton!) I’ve heard all of my pop’s Tennessee stories, as well as that of my grandfather, Henry. (Henry played the banjo, incidentally, and I play the guitar. It’s in the genes, maybe.) Plus I’m an old guy, with years and years of experience. Hey, I fought with Davy Crockett at the Alamo! Well, only in the movies playing inside my noggin.

Anyhow, you probably know that numerous teenage stars have come before you, and many of them haven’t kept their cool. Judy Garland started popping uppers and downers in her 20s, got all twisted around and died way before her time. (Incidentally, if you can sound like Judy, you’ll be FANTASTIC!) Dana Plato of Different Strokes robbed a video store with a pellet gun and eventually committed suicide. As for the Disney clan, Lindsay Lohan has gotten busted for flying higher than a GPS satellite and eventually crashed to earth. (Lindsay is still dealing with her "issues," and we all wish her luck with those.) Demi Lovato has undergone an adjustment period as well. You know, it ain’t easy being 18 or 19!

Then there’s that pop idol, Britney Spears, who’s sown her share of wild oats. She likes to sing, I’m not that innocent! Ya think? After Britney “fell from grace” they lampooned her on South Park. Embarrassing! Michael Jackson, Tiger Woods and J.Lo got similar treatment. So Miley, if you don’t want to see yourself and perhaps the entire Cyrus family parodied on that show, keep your “public image” as clean as possible!

Other young stars have avoided jail, addiction, rehab and/or early death, of course. Jerry Mathers of Leave It to Beaver fame and Patty Duke of The Patty Duke Show didn’t implode after leaving childhood and went on to have successful show business careers. (The Beav has even played in a hard rock band!) I don’t know their secrets of coping with success as teen idols or whatever, but I suspect they had a fair amount of common sense and self-esteem.

Please don’t end up like young adults who lost their way, Miley. And if you don’t wanna, this is how you do it: Listen to your equally famous father, that crooning buckaroo, Billy Ray Cyrus. He’s written so many country ballads such as “Achy Breaky Heart” that he ought to know the human condition inside and out, backwards and forwards. Your mom probably has her share of wisdom to impart as well, so pay attention to both. Always remember that your parents will be your greatest resource as long as they’re around and perhaps beyond.

And keep in mind that the greatest female stars always act like ladies. There are plenty of skanks around, and if that’s their shtick, let them go for it! Regarding such matters, I know you’ve had some risqué photos taken of you, but they certainly seem acceptable by present standards at least. What the heck, have some fun and show your bare back, or wear a mini skirt that shows more drumstick than a typical night at Colonel Sanders - but no more! If you want to “step out,” portray the loose wench in a movie, excluding nude scenes though, ya hear me now?

It appears acting in your music videos gives you a chance to “play around.” Your latest one, “Who Owns My Heart,” is certainly steamy and leggy. Whew!

Hey, I understand. You don’t want people to think you're Dorothy from Kansas. Earth to Miley Cyrus, You made your point.

Keep in mind, though, that we’re living in the age of digital cameras. So now every time somebody takes a photo of you, it may soon be on the Internet, where everybody can see it, download it and perhaps alter it in some offensive way, not to mention make snide remarks about it in emails, blogs or whatever. Do you recall the saga of Vanessa Hudgens? Be very careful how you allow yourself to be photographed!

Oh yeah, one more thing! As your fame and fortune grow, please don’t start thinking you’re better than anyone else. It’s only because of the luck of the draw that you’re who you are. After all, we can’t pick our parents, nor when or where we’re born, can we? You could have been born into a state of poverty and/or political repression or, at the very least, you may not have been near as pretty and talented as you are, so appreciate what you've got and stay grounded like most of us.

That’s about it for advice. Just keep your head screwed on right, as they say, and you just might amount to a hill of guitar picks.

Always at your service,

Kosmo

P. S. These days, because of run-ins with those gosh darn paparatty, you seem to be considering a move back to Nashville. Well, it isn’t going to be easy finding a place where those pushy guys ain’t. Of course, you could buy yourself an island or move into the middle of the Mojave Desert. But if you isolate yourself, you could end up weird and drug-addicted like Howard Hughes. At any rate, you shouldn’t be walking your dog by yourself – it’s too dangerous!

Here’s an idea, if it’s remotely practical, why don’t you build a quarter-mile track at your home? Then you won’t have to leave your house when you go jogging or walk the dog. You wouldn’t have to fend off those freaking pigs either. This is the best advice I can give, Miles!

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PP. SS. I’ve read about some of your recent “tweets.” You seem to like quoting scientists such as Krauss and Einstein, who speak of exploding stars and the origin of matter. Anyway, keep your attention on spirituality, as well, as expressed by the Buddha or whomever. Maintaining a kind of “duality” could serve you well in the future.

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PPP. SSS. Recently, I read that you’re the least “age appropriate” among a trio of so-called teen queens, which includes you, Selena Gomez and Taylor Swift. Are you worried? Well, I think you should continue being who you are and forget about negative feedback. For some time, people will continue to think you’re Hannah Montana. Anyhow, are you going to start a new TV show pretty soon? Hint, hint, hint! I can only watch Hannah Montana so many times . . . .

Hey, I think it’s important for everybody to stay busy. Just ask your pa and he’ll probably tell you “when you don’t stay busy, the devil gets at ya.”

Long term aspirations can really keep a person focused. Maybe you could do a TV program about the History of Grunge. I could write it and you could narrate. We may even give Justin something to do! Also, I hope my silly “jokes” haven’t caused annoyance. (I can’t resist anything to do with DODGER BLUE HAIR.) From here on, I’ll strive to be as debonair and gallant as I possibly can.

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PPPP.SSSS. Well, I guess it’s time to talk about smoking too. Now that you're over 18, you're old enough to smoke Salvia divinorum or other "herbals" such as marijuana. But keep in mind there are some incredibly addictive substances out there. Don’t ever touch any of that terrible stuff! If you want some names - just ask me. At any rate, you might think twice about allowing people to video you while you’re partying hardy. Of course, these days, cameras seem to be everywhere, right? It’s hard to avoid them! That’s all I have to say about that, my precious Smileykins.

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PPPPP.SSSSS. It looks like you’ve got your own show on Saturday Night Live. They make you and Billy Ray look silly, of course, as you knew they would. But I think the “The Miley Cyrus Show,” as they call it, is in good taste, as SNL sketches usually are. Also, I think Vanessa Bayer does a good impersonation of your nonstop, miles-a-minute speaking style. So, girl, it seems you’ve made the big time! By the way, do you always say “pretty cool”? Hahahahahahahahaha!

Moving on about SNL, you probably realize that whenever you do something – silly, foolish or whatever – you may see a parody of it on the “The Miley Cyrus Show.” I guess this is an example of art imitating life – or is it the other way around?!... I find this whole process very interesting, don’t you?

What did I say about art imitating life? Once I saw you get a “Bob Marley cake” on your nineteenth birthday, I knew SNL would do another episode of the “Miley Cyrus Show,” and there it was! You knew it was going to happen too, didn’t you? Hahahahahahahahahaha!

Watch some of Miley's videos at http://www.youtube.com /view_play_list?p=B392AFF56E0A0A37